Bobby, you ought to leave a burger for your mother.
She'll be hungry after her big meeting.
She knows what time dinner is.
Boys, slap me five.
The school picked my float design for the Veterans Day parade.
We are recreating the famous flag-raising scene at lwo Jima.
Like last year's school float.
Yes. But what Principal Moss loved most...
about my idea was how authentic it will be.
Each mannequin will be wearing authentic medals...
awarded for bravery at lwo Jima.
Hey, you know who might have some of those?
That oddball who runs that bric-a-brac store.
Moved to Provincedale. No.
In my capacity as float committee chairman...
I will place a toll call to your father in Houston...
and ask him for his Purple Heart, Silver Star...
and whatever else they gave him for killing all those Japanese.
Boy, this is a choice cut of North Carolina pine.
The perfect wood to honor our veterans.
It will be under 600 pounds of sand.
- Don't blow our budget, Hank. Use that. - Particle board?
Yeah, if you want to throw out your float in five or ten years.
COTTON: Stand on your tiptoes, Didi woman.
Dad? What are you doing in Arlen?
Buying one hundred and ninety-two diapers.
- Hank's wife. - Cotton.
I have been calling you. How long have you been in town?
A week. We're staying over to the VFW. We love it there.
Didi and the baby love it there, too. Ain't that right, wife?
It's just like a second honeymoon. Only, it's not El Paso.
A week? Why didn't you call?
I only call the people I want to see.
They're taking out that yield sign by the Ethan Allen.
Lives will be lost.
Smells like pancakes. I'll have waffles.
Grandpa, I was wondering when I would get to see you.
And how's my Uncle G.H.?
- Waffles! Where's my waffles? - They're coming right up.
And, Cotton, can I borrow your war medals for my float, please?
What! I needs them medals.
I'll be wearing them in the Veterans Parade.
That's right, Bobby.
Your granddad carries the flag every year down in Houston.
Not this year, Bobby.
I'll be marching here in Arlen with my war buddies.
Topsy, Brooklyn, Fat Brooklyn and, of course, Erwin Linker.
- What happened to Lucky? - Dead!
Good going, Dale.
That looks like some top-quality sand you got there.
Yeah, they won't be building any sand castles...
over at Staubach Elementary this week.
Look what I signed out for the weekend.
It might not shift out of second, but it'll tow a float eight city blocks.
Or if we attach a steel extrusion to the front, we could push the float.
Am I the only one who allows his mind to prance outside the box?
Hello? Cotton?
Peggy, my step-daughter-in-law, why are you here?
Well, I came across this box of brand new cigars.
And I know how much Cotton enjoys cigars, so...
These are not Cotton's brand. He won't like them.
But I do. I'll smoke them.
Oh, my. You certainly have brought a lot for your vacation.
And in which box would I find Cotton's war medals, please?
The medals are in a locked display case in the lobby...
next to the vending machine where we get dinner.
COTTON: Come on, Topsy, is you in or is you out?
Thems is rich pot.
I fold.
- Yoo-hoo, Dad! - Entertainment's here.
- Take off your top! - It's Hank's wife.
What do you want? I'm up 8 cents.
Well, I noticed your authentic war medals in the lobby display.
Right, you want my medals. Okay, I'll give them to you.
Cost you $200 a day. There's only one way you can make that.
Except, you're 20 years too old, and 20 pounds too skinny.
Cotton Hill, I do not know what I hate more about you.
The way you talk to me...
or the way you treat your wife and your little child.
Well, think about it.
PEGGY: Selfish.
He is making his wife and your little brother...
stay in that tiny room just so he can play cards all day...
- with that foul-mouthed Erwin Linker. - It's not all bad.
G.H., is too young to understand cuss words...
and the Brooklyns are very good with him. I've seen it.
Rob Rainer says that the first year of life...
is the most important to a child's development.
Your baby brother should be listening to lullabies...
- not to old men hacking up phlegm. - All right.
I'll go down there tomorrow and talk to my dad.
Do you think the nail on my pinky toe will ever grow back?
[Car horn blaring]
You're supposed to yield, you... Not anymore.
Thanks a lot, Councilman Fred Ebberd.
Jerk.
COTTON: Are you chewing my shorts? HANK: What in the...
Count them again!
There's 53 cans there, a nickel a pop.
You owe me $2.65.
- Sir, there are only 50 cans here. - Fifty-three.
This hobo took three cans from my pile.
I got those cans from a sewer outside the bus station.
Them three cans was my cans. I smashed them myself.
- Smashed them good. - You're lying.
This dumpster monkey is lying.
Whoever hands me the cans gets the money.
- Here. - What the cussburg!
I need that money. Give me that. They took my house!
I gots to live in the VFW. I'm broke.
Broke?
You have no money and you lost the house in Houston?
How could this happen?
- Did you blow it all on exotic dancers? - Don't you judge me.
My pension barely covered me and the woman.
I didn't plan on busting through my wienie shield...
and having this little fellow.
And I can't deny him anything in the world. No, I can't.
Cotton tried to find a job in Houston but nobody wanted him.
Didi, you're a certified optometrical assistant.
- There's a Lenscrafters down at the-- - No wife of mine is gonna work.
Look, Dad, I've got a few extra dollars in my passbook account.
- I could help you out. - You ain't my daddy.
I'm your daddy.
- Topsy! - Yeah.
Show Hank the door.
All right, back off. God.
Dad, I could talk to Buck Strickland...
about getting you a job at Strickland Propane.
I don't need your charity job! I got me an interview tomorrow.
Getting back into the insulation business.
The same work that kept your mother in JC Penney skirts...
and paid for your glasses all them years, four eyes.
I'm your man, Mr. Lewis.
I supervised the installation of asbestos...
in every public school in Heimlich County and 11 bowling alleys.
Yeah, our company is paid to remove asbestos.
What? Remove asbestos? What the hell for?
You wrote on your application that you're 38 years old?
- Is that right? - Indeed.
I tend to look older because the Japanese shot my shins off in the war.
- Which war? - Gulf War.
Now, hold on there. You can't ask an applicant his age.
- I'm sorry, who is this? - I'm his son.
Gulf War baby.
Saddam's chemicals made him freakishly large.
Yeah, we'll be sure to give you a call.
I tell you, Hank, ever since you sold me those propane patio heaters...
people have been eating outside even when it's cold.
Clean, even heating is just one of the 14 reasons--
Yeah, I remember your toast at my daughter's wedding.
Now, listen, if there's ever anything I can do for you, just give me a holler.
Mr. Burton, are you a fan of World War ll heroes?
So you're my Uncle Burt's new hire. Now, this is your stool.
When people come in, you give them the special greeting.
Did you learn the special greeting?
- I studied on it. - Good for you.
Break time's in an hour. You get three ounces of beef...
or five ounces of chicken and one starch.
Thank you.
Welcome to Burton's. The hostess will seat you.
Welcome to Burton's.
The hostess will seat you.
She's tied up momentarily.
Right this way.
- What are you doing? - They was waiting.
- I'm showing them to a table. - That's the hostess's job.
You're a greeter. Now, please return to your stool.
Now, you listen to me, junior.
I led a platoon of men through the jungles of Saipan.
I think I can lead a party of four to Table 6!
I'm sure you can. But right now...
what I need you to do is go back to your stool.
You think I can't do it?
I've done everything for this country. I gave my shins to beat the Tojos.
I bit a Nazi's windpipe in half!
[Cotton exclaiming angrily]
My stool? Where's the greeter's stool?
MANAGER: Congratulations.
You've been promoted to Men's Room Attendant.
What?
[Toilet flushing]
Sorry about that.
Good afternoon, kinfolk!
Who knew there was so much money in greeting?
Hop in, I'm gonna treat all the Hill boys to some ice cream.
- My work here is done. - Cotton, look at the detail on this float.
Now, I'd say it's a second-place float right now.
All it needs to move up to first are authentic war medals.
You're such a nag.
Now I know why Hank wants to divorce you.
- Dad, there's not a shred of truth. - Mull it over.
- That's the one. - Hey! Get out of my Cadillac car.
It's my car now.
You're five months behind on your payments.
Afternoon, ma'am. Wayne Pratley, Pratley Cadillac and Hyundai.
Hold on a minute now. There's gotta be something...
- that we can work out here. - It's too late for that, Hank.
But it's not too late to put you into a brand new Sonata.
Only 52,000 miles on her. She's practically a dealer car.
- I'll cut your guts out! - Dad, no.
WAYNE: You think about that Sonata, Hank!
COTTON: Get off my plug!
Well, thank you very much, Hank...
for helping me chop him up.
You owe me a Cadillac car.
Mr. Hill, you're late.
Couldn't reach the ding cord on the bus. Now, listen up, junior.
I ain't gonna be here tomorrow. I'm marching in the Veterans Parade...
and I still get my full pay.
Not on my watch.
Veterans Day is one of our busiest days. We're right on the parade route.
I need you in the men's room on your stool.
You can't do that. I killed 50 men. That parade's for me.
Mr. Hill, maybe you have to re-evaluate...
whether you really want to clean up after my customers use the bathroom.
Your mother stayed up all night putting the finishing touches on that float.
Never came to bed. What the...
You put skeletons on lwo Jima?
Without your father's medals the whole authentic concept didn't work.
I had to go in a different direction.
"The Futility of War."
Peggy, you can't make fun of war heroes in a Veterans Parade.
- It is a tribute. - Those are skeletons, Peggy!
Old Halloween decorations were the best I could do at 4:00 a.m., Hank.
Sorry I'm late, I had to take three buses.
One to get here...
one to go back and get G.H., and then one to get here.
- Where's my dad? - He had to work.
A veteran working on Veterans Day? That ain't right.
Dad, you in here? They said you were back here.
I'm on my break from my greeter's job. What do you want? I'm busy.
I stopped by the VFW and picked up your dress uniform...
your marching shoes.
I can't march today. I'm too big of a man here.
Gots too much responsibility.
Dad, you're the greatest war hero Arlen's ever seen.
- You should be marching in that parade. - Can't.
I'm just gonna leave your uniform on this bar stool...
if you change your mind.
There he is!
- I beg your pardon? - Sorry.
Would you believe this isn't the first time that's happened to me?
Ass.
Happy Veterans Day.
[Manager tut-tutting]
I told you, we'll bring your meal in to you.
Doing it for the baby.
My Cadillac car.
He clowned up my... I'll get that son of a bitch.
Good. My dad decided to join the parade after all.
Good Lord!
I love a parade.
[People clamoring]
Scoot over. My dad stole his car back.
LEWIS: If we can't agree on it...
then Bob and I will go to Del Taco and you two go to Taco Bell, okay?
I ain't no stink-house porter.
You think a shinless man can't remove asbestos?
I'll show you what a 75-year-old shinless man can remove.
[Men snickering softly]
Told you it was a rug.
Sixty and one smashed, sixty and two smashed...
sixty and three... Go away, you. These are my cans.
Hey, fingers, you ain't counting fast enough.
- Sixty and four. - Sixty and five.
Sixty and six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight, nine...
six and ten, six-eleven.
Topsy, you shouldn't be waiting for a bus.
You strangled Hermann Géring, for God's sake!
- Please don't kill me. - I won't.
But in a few minutes, you is gonna wish you was dead.
- Take your time, sir. - Thanks.
Outstanding work, Sergeant. Reminds me of the old days.
Who's next?
There's nobody left.
And I still ain't done nothing to help my family.
Come on, Colonel, this is where you say "Topsy, let's roll." And you say...
Sorry, Toppington.
Some things a man has to do on his own.
I'm sorry we never got to go for that ice cream cone, Bobby.
Looks like we're not gonna get the chance. Just as well, I don't have any money.
I've got that share of US Steel you bought me when I was born.
We could cash that in.
You should put that money into life insurance.
Best thing I ever did. I'm worth more dead than alive.
What do you mean, Grandpa? Is there a price on your head?
Probably.
Here you go. I've written you a letter of recommendation for the Army.
Give this to the general when you turn 15.
Dad, Grandpa was just here. He was acting all weird.
He kept talking about how important it is to have life insurance.
The Colonel asked me for some ammunition...
which, due to the spectacular failure...
of Y2K, I had plenty of.
- Knowing you, you gave it all to him. - No.
I tried to, but he said he only needed one bullet.
One bullet? Damn it, Dale.
Cotton, I have been watching G.H. all day. it is your turn.
- Not now, woman. - Yes, now.
I need some "me" time to do the laundry.
Dad! Dad, open up. Come on, let me in.
Go away, this doesn't involve you.
[Gunshot]
Dad!
Just taught the boy how to fire a gun.
Look at him. He loves to shoot!
You cried your first time and you was three.
- You were just... I thought you were... - What?
I was spending time with my favorite son. You got a problem with that?
No. No, I don't.
Hank, I thought it over.
I've decided to let you give me some money.
- You know, for G.H. - I'm glad you've come around...
- and I'm happy to help you out. - It ain't help.
You're paying me back for all the money I spent raising you.
Food, clothes, sissy lenses for your eyes.
- Okay, Dad. That seems fair. - It's more than fair.
I ain't even charging you interest because you're my son and all.
Now, give me $300.
I want to buy G.H. and me a set of walkie-talkies.
You know, for when he learns to walk and talk.
- I've got a $20 on me. - $20?
I got poop tips bigger than that.
COTTON: Waffles! Where's my waffles?